For Sara

Okay- Throwing this back atcha, finally. I think that I have been having what is referred to as "a time". Trying to find "real adult employment" is bizarre and fucked and hellish and reminds me how very, very far I have drifted from the majority of the world. What the hell is all of this shit? Do we need all of these positions to make the world run? Is 95% of the world really, actually very unnecessary??? 


Sometimes, I do feel like I'm cheating the world and, if I can just make it to death, I will have won.


On the up side, I found employment working for a glass artist who makes really expensive lamps (same place my boyfriend Dave works. Thanks, Dave.) And, maybe I am a crazy person, I am going to start working for  long time buddy of mine as a freelance art handler for a New York gallery. Which means a 6 hour round trip commute each week but! I do get to live my dream of having a job that takes me to New York regularly while getting paid *real* money and learning a skill for a med reputable company. So, we'll see if that positions me for a better future? At least I can quit the job that is sucking me dry. It's already changed my world outlook.


And, because I believe that we have so many peoples in common, I will try not to talk much shit about the person whom I've been working for but, girl needs to get her shit together. I wish I could list "putting my drunk boss to bed at 2pm" on my resume but, maybe that would look bad? Anyway, I don't know Tuesday, Martha, or Jenna personally but I know we have a ton of friends in common, in the real life. Do you know Ali Koehler, too? We grew up in the same place and have lots of mutual buds- but I only know her in passing. 


Back to that "famous blogger birthday party", I brought some of my own stuff to give as gifts, which I thought was so sleazy but then your boy Adam Kurtz showed up with copies of his book for the birthday girls and I felt strangely validated about my life choice.


So huge congrats to all those friend folks because I know they work hard and I have no idea how. Maybe it's that they are able to get a steady stream of outside interest going at an interval that doesn't allow them to feel truly crushed for long periods of time? It is hard to have worked for so long but feel like you still have so little traction, outside of your own brain/immediate social group. Not in a casting shade way, either. For example, I know that Martha had been on her style for YEARS before she saw the crazy interest that she currently has. At least 10, right? T/M/J really were able to harness social media in a way that seems kind of alien to me. Obviously, I am human and i need to be loved but, having that amount of folks going gaga over my work would trip my self-sabotaging/contrary switches. I already feel a great resistance to giving my small audience what they want (j/k I have no idea what they want. pictures of teeth jewelry and plants?)


Plus, the whole plane of social media is SO loud and congested anyway that I feel like, why bother? Or, if I bother, I need to do something that first supports me and my creative needs.Here's that sabotage/contrarian boundary again. It's a crazy thing that makes people uncomfortable but, I'm not here to get rich. "Here" in creative practice and "here" in the world at large. In that sense, I get the folks who are like, money comes/money goes/don't worry, bro. Money is a power that you need and it supports my life priorities of learning, making, and enjoying/appreciating- but it's def not the end goal. The idea of a nice car or a big house or a... I don't know, what do people fill their internal hole with?... revs up my anxiety.


I've mostly been an asshole whose had the road rise to meet them and it hasn't been until the past few years that I've had any sort of money anxiety. But that shit is so real! People's chill af, laissez fare attitude towards it can be awful and harsh when you are like, "uh... which bill can i put off paying? Can we push that dental x ray ahead? should I do food stamps? how do I apply for financial assistance for this medical visit?" It's also really nice to be able to buy toilet paper when I need it instead of stealing it from hotels and coffee shops. In that way, money is super important to happiness. Stealing toilet paper is not fucking ZEN!!!! Zen is being able to balance my desire to not do certain things with my desire to still make money, I guess.


Funny that I'm like "I WON'T follow a marketing calendar! I WILL drive three hours to New York on Monday night and three hours back on Wednesday night every week for 3+ months!" I think it's my version of moving to an old gold mining town to read cards. I'm all for having a diverse ecosystem of income and engagement, though. I wish I could take credit for that concept but I heard it on a podcast last night when I was driving back from New Jersey. I'm going to make a little drawing of my own ecosystem and show it to my therapist :D




Can we take a sec to mourn over the passing of content? It's so meaningless now! It's free! It's everywhere! I've spent hours watching free videos from this weird-ass "Maker's Biz" summit. Content is this buzzword that everyone wants and in doing so has just beaten it to death. Will it ever resurrect? Cause I do love content and I love to make "content" but not this iteration. It's analogous to everything being made out of plastic. Cheap, shitty, and forever.


Very interested to hear about the Creators Desert Conference for Popularity. Was it the Alt Summit? Those things just look so hokey. I met a few Alt Summit folks a few years back when it was held concurrently with Renegade in Brooklyn and, swear to goodness, their eyes were DEAD AND DARK.



So, since I'm in flux and unsure what the fuck to do with my life, one of the ideas that I have is going back to school to become a therapist. I actually CAN listen to people's problems forever and creative folks have a lot of problems that no one seems to give a shit about. Plus, I know first hand just how rough it is out there. Sometimes I think that I'm so lucky to have the internet to make my artistic journey easier but... is it really making it easier? Because it's making me crazy and it broke my brain at least once. 


Lay that heavy shit on me, girl. I can take it. And gossip. I fucking love gossip.


Hope that you are feeling better and that maybe things don't seem quite as bleak. However, you've created a thorough and admirable world to retreat into... and trying to make money off of that doesn't make it more or less legit and wonderful.